You Can Sabotage or Encourage Yourself Without Leaving Your Chair

Another way to say this is:

Whether you think “I can” or you think “I can’t”… you’re right.

What?!

Yes. Really.

Our thoughts shape our feelings.
Our feelings influence our actions.
And our actions determine the results we experience.

We can debate this idea, but it’s one of the core underpinnings of motivation, success, and failure.

It can’t be true!

The first time I heard this concept, I didn’t like it at all. It felt unfair. Surely circumstances are to blame for our outcomes—not our thinking.

But over decades of working with individuals and couples, I’ve seen the same pattern over and over again:

It’s not the circumstance itself that has the most power.
It’s the belief we hold about that circumstance.

When someone believes a task is beyond their ability, they either don’t try at all—or they try half-heartedly, already convinced they will fail. Their motivation drops. Their persistence weakens. They interpret obstacles as proof they were right all along.

And eventually, they create the very result they predicted.

They sabotage themselves.

But when another person faces the same challenge believing, “I don’t know how yet, but I can figure this out,” everything shifts.

They try.
If the first attempt fails, they adjust.
They learn.
They try again.

They persist until they succeed.

Not because it was easier for them.
But because they believed it was possible.

That difference—the belief about what’s possible—often determines success or failure in every area of life.

And here’s the good news:

Beliefs are not fixed.
They can be examined.
They can be challenged.
They can be changed.

And when beliefs change, outcomes change.

A Marriage Example

Justin and Tiffany had been married for 18 years.

Over the previous four years, Tiffany noticed a steady drift. They avoided meaningful conversations. They didn’t laugh together like they once had. They rarely hugged when reuniting at the end of the day. Small irritations turned into frequent bickering.

Tiffany felt the distance deeply.

When she brought it up, Justin would say,
“This is just what happens in marriage. You’re being dramatic.”

Tiffany disagreed. She believed something could change. She wanted marriage coaching.

Justin agreed reluctantly—mostly to get her “off his back.”

They entered coaching with very different beliefs.

Tiffany believed their marriage could improve.
Justin believed this was simply how long-term marriages end up—flat, distant, tolerable but uninspiring.

For the first few weeks, Tiffany engaged wholeheartedly. She made small changes. Justin noticed. He liked what he saw.

Gradually, something shifted inside him.

Maybe this isn’t inevitable.
Maybe this isn’t just “how marriages are.”
Maybe I can do something about this too.

Once Justin allowed himself to believe change was possible, his behavior changed. His tone softened. He tried new approaches. He stayed in conversations longer instead of shutting down.

And their marriage began to feel different.

This is a true story—one of the thousands of couples I’ve worked with over 40+ years.

They struggled with communication. They hurt each other during disagreements. They had begun to feel like roommates.

But the turning point wasn’t a technique.

It was belief.

It wasn’t until both of them believed that change was possible that they could work together to reimagine their relationship and build something better.

Every transformation I witness begins here:

One person decides,
“This doesn’t have to stay this way.”

If even one partner believes change is possible and is willing to seek support, momentum begins.

You don’t sabotage or encourage your relationship with grand gestures.

You do it quietly.

In your thinking.
In your belief about what is possible.
In the story you tell yourself while sitting in your chair.

And that story can change everything.