THE CHORES PROBLEM IS REAL!

Do you argue about chores? 

Do you wonder why you’re still not on the ‘same page’ about whose job it is to do [ fill in any chore ]?

You’ve been together for [any number] years and still haven’t gotten this handled.

You’re not alone.  Not at all.  In fact, it’s one of the most common problems that couples describe as a constant source of resentment and disagreements.

For the couples who have been married or together for less than 5 years, I’ve noticed that they aren’t as embarrassed or resentful about the chore problem as more long-term couples are. They haven’t necessarily done better at dividing up chores, but it doesn’t yet bother them as much.

Longer-term couples are often more bothered by the chores problem.  This may be because they are busier with children.  And they have a longer length of time failing repeatedly in sharing the chores equitably.  And ‘equitably’ is different for each partner.  

Life Transitions

First, let’s agree that chores can be a hornet’s nest of arguments, largely because most people don’t love doing chores.  Even the most tidy ones among us get weary with the constant chores required in home management.  

Relationships have many transitions and with each one, the chores likely need to be revisited.  For example, if one of you has been promoted or changed jobs or one of you lost their job and now have significantly different work hours, the chores need to reflect that. 

The birth of the children brings so many more tasks and so chores need to be adjusted.

Empty Nest, another of the major life transitions, requires chores to be adjusted too.  Now the kids aren’t sharing in the household chores, so who does the ones the kids used to do?  Of course, some chores don’t need to be done as much once the kids leave home, so which chores are no longer needed?

I started working with an empty nest couple recently who complained that even though they’ve been married for 27 years, they still argue about chores often.  And they’re sick of it!  

A Strategy for Chores

My major motive in offering this particular strategy is to help you remove or at least minimize the impact of chores in your marriage.  And I assume you two want to cooperate in figuring out the chores so you each participate and you also feel satisfied with the outcome. 

1. First, walk around your home together and list the chores that come to mind in each room.  Then go outside and do the same with each part of the garage, the garden, the yard, the house itself, the driveway, sidewalks, etc.
   
   Are you sufficiently overwhelmed?  That’s not the point, but this is getting REAL.  There’s a lot to do.
   
   
2.  As you look at your lists, discuss and decide how often each one needs to be done.
   
   For example: Bathroom cleaned once per week all year around.
   Grass mowed once a week in spring and summer.
   Laundry weekly or daily, depending on your family, all year.
   
   
3.  Then decide if some of the chores don’t need to be done at all.  Or there may be ones that only need to be done once a year.  
4. Decide together which chores could be given to a paid worker, (or to one of your children, if it’s appropriate).
5. Each of you sign up for the chores that you like doing the most and how often you plan to do them.
6. For the remaining chores, take turns signing up for the chore and how often you’ll do them.
7. Post the chore list somewhere you can see it. 
8. Do the chores when you said you would do them.
   
   

That sounds easy and logical, doesn’t it?  I have read numerous articles about the chore problem and this is a summary of their approaches. 

Obstacles to Chores

We all have complex emotions about chores. 

Some people have rigorous standards concerning HOW chores get done and WHEN and if those standards aren’t met they become upset. 

One solution to that is to sign up yourself for the chores that you have definite ideas about how they should be completed. Or make sure you communicate with your partner about your standards and perhaps compromise with them. 

Some people “forget” to do their chores and only do them when reminded. This often creates friction between you two. The best solution to this is to add your chores to your calendar or remind yourself with whatever method works best for you. 

If you can’t do a chore on your list in the time frame you agreed to then give your partner some notice and say when you’ll do it. 

For example, ‘I can’t do the dishes right after dinner because I have a work report that needs to be submitted this evening. I’ll do the dishes by 7:30 am tomorrow.’

When chores are done without being reminded both partners are happier. It increases trust and it adds to your integrity. All good things!

Mindset

The Mindset that each partner has about chores comes into play frequently. 

For those partners that accept that the chores are part of their lives and don’t resent having to do them, they tend to just get them done routinely. 

Others resent chores and really think they shouldn’t have to do them. Or other partners feel like they have to do too many chores, more than their fair share. 

Communication

Good communication between partners is crucial to understand one another’s thinking and feelings. When the communication is respectful, compassionate and loving, the obstacles can be overcome and a satisfactory resolution is possible. 

It’s very important to resolve the problems about chores so that you can finally have peace around taking care of your home and your lives. Spend the time to figure this out. It’s worth it!

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