The Teen Transition: Everything Changes

When middle school hits, everything changes. Overnight, our once-snuggly kids morph into teenagers with opinions, independence, and hormones—and suddenly, they think they don’t need us in the same way. And in many ways, they’re right. But they still need us—just differently.

Hormones hit. Communication drops. Attitudes rise.

And underneath it all is something else most couples don’t expect: A subtle but powerful shift in the emotional climate between the two of you.

When your child enters adolescence, it doesn’t just change them it changes you, too. And your relationship can easily get swept up in the chaos.

The Emotional Gauntlet

As outlined in Laura Kastner’s The Seven-Year Stretch, the teen years can bring a tidal wave of issues: lying, academic struggles, emotional withdrawal, parent-child conflict, fears around sex, drug use, risky friendships. The list goes on. 

And while teens may think their parents “don’t get it,” we do, at least a little. We’ve been teens. They haven’t been parents. Teens are wired to seek independence, which means conflict is often part of the package.

But here’s the tricky part: while we’re focused on managing their emotional rollercoaster, we often forget the impact this season has on our emotional world—especially our relationship with our partner.

It’s a lot to handle. And while you’re focused on them, it’s easy to stop seeing each other.

Many couples tell me:

• “We’re not fighting, but we’re not really connecting either.”
• “Everything we say to each other is about the kids.”
• “We’re just trying to survive this season.”

That survival mode takes a toll. But it doesn’t have to.

The Hidden Strain on Your Relationship

Your Relationship Matters

Much like the baby years, the teen years can put a massive strain on your marriage or partnership. But this time, the issues are more intense. The consequences are more real. And with that comes stress, guilt, and often, disconnection.

You might find yourself second-guessing parenting decisions, arguing over boundaries, or silently blaming each other when things go wrong. “Where did we go wrong?” is a common refrain. 

It’s painful. It’s human. And unlike the baby years, the emotional weight of these moments feels heavier.

This is the most overlooked transition in parenthood—and if left unspoken, it can create emotional distance that lingers long after the kids have grown.

But it doesn’t have to divide you.

Teens Struggle—and That’s Normal

Most teens face challenges—whether it shows up in acting out, withdrawing, struggling with motivation, or battling anxiety or depression. Even if your teen seems fine, it’s worth remembering: being a teenager is hard.

Think back to your own adolescence. Were you calm, content, and emotionally stable every day? Likely not. It’s important to extend that same compassion to your children—and to yourselves.

How to Find Each Other Again

The first step? Stop taking it personally. Your teen’s behavior is about them, not you. Once you can both hold that perspective, you can start acting like teammates again.

You both bring wisdom and strength to the table. Together, you can co-create strategies that support your child and strengthen your bond in the process.

Ironically, the teen years, though turbulent, can offer a surprising opportunity for reconnection. Your kids may not want to spend as much time with you, and while that can feel painful—it also frees up space.

Space for real conversation. Space for dreaming again. Space to rediscover each other—not just as co-parents, but as partners.

Use it. Take that quiet dinner. Go on that long walk. Plan a weekend escape. 

What do you want this next chapter of your life to feel like? Who do you want to be, together, when the house is quiet?

Now is the time to imagine it. Not when they leave, but while they’re still here.

Preparing for the Nest to Empty

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