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The old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” dates back to the late 1800s and was meant to deter bullying language. But we know now that words have much longer longevity in our minds and hearts than broken bones.
As I’ve worked with more than a thousand couples over the last decades, I’ve realized the extreme damage that words can do—damage to their spouse, to their children, and to their relationship itself.
How do you talk to your spouse? What about when you’re feeling upset, tired, or stressed?
And now you two have an argument on your hands when the real problem was that you were tired, upset, or stressed.
It’s common for the partner in this situation to say to themselves, “I was just stressed. It doesn’t mean anything.”
But it does! Even though you’re just “blowing off steam” or “just stressed from work,” the words you say live on in the other person’s mind, usually for a long time.
And, in their brain, this episode gets piled onto other times when you’ve had the same situation, creating erosion of trust, love, romance, and attraction between you.
Words help create mindsets and beliefs in our partner’s brain. And these mindsets can be detrimental to our own happiness and those of our family.
It might go this way:
Unkind, mean, disrespectful words
She thinks I’m lazy; she doesn’t respect me, She’s always criticizing, She doesn’t give any leeway. I was working. She’s not fair. All I get is criticism or snarky comments. I’m miserable.
Do you relate to this diagram? At all?
When couples tell me about a bad argument that they had, often each person denies what they said and the tone they used. And I believe them.
Why?
Because when we say things, especially in anger or frustration, we remember the feelings we had but often not the words. On the other hand, the listener remembers the words, often very well, along with the meaning they put on your tone of voice.
Here’s how it might go: The speaker (you) is on edge and stressed. You said something unkind to your partner. The partner hears it as criticism or contempt for them (the feelings and the words).
Words are tools through which we can convey love, admiration, and consideration. Conversely, tools can destroy each of these and more.
Does ‘destroy’ sound too dramatic? Maybe so.
But I can’t emphasize enough how I see couples damage their relationship with words that were spoken when they were upset. And the words can’t be unheard. Or unremembered.
Take a few seconds before saying anything when you’re angry or frustrated. This simple pause can prevent words you might later regret.
Instead of lashing out, acknowledge your feelings. Say to yourself, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” or “I’m exhausted right now.” Identifying emotions reduces their intensity and helps you respond more thoughtfully.
If you must express frustration, shift from blame to “I” statements. For example, instead of “You never help around the house,” try “I’m feeling really overloaded today and could use some help.”
If you slip up, own it. A simple, sincere “I’m sorry, I was feeling frustrated, and I didn’t mean to say that” can prevent resentment from taking root.
When you make it a practice to pause before you talk, you’re in control of what your next step will be. Whether it’s a criticism, an offer of help, or nothing at all, when you pause, it’s truly your decision rather than letting your emotions decide.
I know it can feel challenging to change old patterns, but even small shifts in the way you speak to your partner can create a huge difference over time. The fact that you’re here, reading this, means you care—and that’s the first step. If words have caused harm in your relationship, know that repair is possible. A little mindfulness in communication can bring back trust, connection, and warmth. You’re not stuck; you have the power to choose words that heal instead of hurt. And I’m here to support you on that journey.
Looking for more practical ways to improve communication in your relationship? Download my free guide for actionable steps you can start using today: Click here to access the freebie , “Say This Instead”.
With love,
Carol
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For more relationship information and advice, contact me: Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest, Instagram, or email me at carol@drcaroljhenry.com
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