Empty Nest Couples–Reignite Your Connection with This Simple Hack

For us, as Empty Nest couples (and I’ve been in that place a few years ago) one of the biggest dilemmas is— now that the children have flown off to start their next chapter, what will become of us?  

We’ve become disconnected and maybe distant and the sparks that used to exist between us are now flickering and threatening to die out.

We’ve spent so much time and energy focusing on our children’s needs, building our careers and maybe taking care of aging parents that we’ve spent little time nurturing the relationship with our partner.  We’ve lost that loving, fun, and caring feelings that we used to have together.

And we want it back!

It’s not our fault that we’re in this place.  We entered our relationship at least 18 years ago when we didn’t know how else to build a family.  We dove right in and made it up as we went along.  

But now, looking ahead to the 30+ more years we have to live, we want more than we have now.  More love, more fun, and yes, more CONNECTION with our partner. 

There is some really GOOD NEWS!

You CAN CHANGE your connection and eliminate that feeling of loneliness and distance.  Get rid of not knowing what your partner is thinking and feeling.  For good.  With this “Hack” strategy that I’ll tell you about…  

First, here’s some evidence.  Of the thousand couples I’ve worked with, fully 90% found that this hack changed their relationship for the better.  

And it’s simple.

I call it a Nightly Ritual.  Nightly because it’s best to do it every night.  And Ritual because when you do it, it becomes a way of Connection to your partner that is so helpful that you want to do it nightly.

Follow these steps:

1. Pick a time block of 15 minutes when you know you’ll be relaxed and not too tired. For example, after the dinner dishes are finished and before your “show” comes on.
2. Pick a place that you’ll meet, with all devices off or on silent  (phone, ipad, computer, TV, etc).  This is so you can concentrate on your partner without distractions.
3. Sit facing each other
4. Ask each other these questions, one at a time:

• How are you?
• How are we?
• What do you need?

Here’s an example:

Partner 1 asks partner 2:  How are you?

Partner 2 answers: (“fine” is not an acceptable answer) 

For example: Partner 2 might say, “ I’ve been on edge all day because I had a meeting with my boss at 4:00 and I was worried I was going to get a bad review.  Now I’m exhausted from the stress but happy to be home with you”.  By the way, the meeting went great, so I’m also calm and relieved.

Partner 1 then asks: “How are we?” 
Partner 2 answers. 

For example: I’m beginning to feel closer to you than I have in the past few years and I want us to keep taking care of our relationship like we’ve been doing recently.

Partner 1 then asks: “What do you need?” 
Partner 2 answers.  

For example:  I’ve realized I need some transition time between work and our time together so I can shut my brain down from work and open up to us.  Without that time, I’m still thinking about work and not really being present when I’m with you.

Notice that I didn’t add comments after Partner 2 answered the question.  Partner 1 could show with body language (head nodding, leaning forward)  or could make brief comments, such as, “thank you for sharing that”.   Or, “I get it”.  

It’s best to make it brief and loving, then move forward.

Then, it’s Partner 2’s turn to ask Partner 1 these same questions.

The Purposes and Results from doing this Nightly Ritual 

It’s a step toward more EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.  You’re talking with your partner about your current thoughts and feelings and you’re hearing those from your partner. 

It’s meant to be a sort of thermometer that tells you what’s going on inside your partner on this day.  A window to your partner’s inner life.

As you share those things, you begin to update your “knowing” of your partner, which enhances connection.

Doing this nightly ritual implies a commitment from both of you to reconnect, which, in itself, creates some additional connection. 

A question I’ve often been asked: “What if something “big” is mentioned”, do we talk about it right then?  

NO!  Here’s why?

If you prolong the nightly ritual longer than 15 minutes, you’ll not be inclined to do it again.

Also, when a big discussion is necessary, it should take place when both of you have thought about the topic and are in a place, at a planned time, and both are calm and ready to talk about it.  Not during nightly ritual.

I’ll explain more about this soon, but just make a note of the important issue and it will have its own day, later.

Power of the Nightly Ritual

When I first started using this idea about 15 years ago, I didn’t know if people would be willing to do it, nor if it would be helpful for them.

It’s a tall order to do something every night.  And add to that, ask the same questions each night!

Once I got the feedback, though, I was shocked, then excited!  Very excited.

It gave me a tool and strategy that people could use right away, and not wait another day.  Even if their communication or conflict resolution skills needed to improve.  

In fact, using the nightly ritual smoothed the way for my students to learn communication and conflict skills much more rapidly and with less friction.  

It seems that it’s easier to learn things alongside your partner when you’re feeling more connected. 

Try this set of questions tonight with your partner!  And notice the results.  Do you feel more connected with your partner after you completed the questions?

I’d love to hear about how it was for you!  You can email me here.

I’m Dr. Carol J Henry, Psychologist and Relationship Mentor and Coach

Founder of The Exceptional Couples Academy

I teach Empty Nest couples to build the relationship of their dreams.

You can contact me on Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest, Instagram, or email me at carol@drcaroljhenry.com