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Couples Reconnecting: One Conversation At a time

What if you could have a much happier relationship? And what if you could learn to achieve that happy relationship, one conversation at a time?

I imagine that you might think, “Oh no! Not another empty promise”

Or you may think it sounds too good to be true. Or, perhaps, you’re intrigued and begin to daydream about what it would be like to have a much happier relationship. One that doesn’t leave us feeling like roommates. One that we build with proven tools and strategies. One that actually helps us feel happier.

Let’s look at the idea of One conversation at a time.

Here’s some “Inner” work (in your head). To have a happier relationship you need to realize that many of the conversations you have are with yourself. Of course the conversations with your spouse are important too, but remember that the ones you have with yourself set the stage for what comes next.

We are continually having conversations in our heads–it’s called self-talk.

Let’s pretend for a minute that you’re on the way to a party you’ve been invited to but you don’t really want to go. You begin to talk to yourself about what it’s going to be like. Maybe you tell yourself that you aren’t going to know anyone and that you’ll be uncomfortable. You begin to decide that you will want to leave earlier than your spouse will want to leave and you’ll likely argue about when to leave. Or you’ll be left alone to fend for yourself while your spouse chats with everyone in the room. You’ll predict that you will not enjoy the evening and you’ll be worried.

Now, let’s pretend that you want to go to the party and you’re looking forward to it. You might tell yourself that you’ll meet some new people and find that you like some of them. You remind yourself that people like to tell you about themselves so you plan to ask them questions to get to know them. You know that you can leave whenever your spouse wants to and still have a good time.

Do you see how in each scenario you’re having a conversation with yourself, in your mind. In the first one, you would have predicted a negative outcome and in the second scenario, you thought it would be an enjoyable outcome. And here’s what we know from research: if you predict (to yourself) that we’re going to have a bad time, you tend to make that happen. On the other hand, if you tell yourself that you’ll have a good time, you’re probably going to make that happen.

These self-talk conversations in your mind have a big influence on the direction that the evening will go for you and ultimately how your relationship will move forward.

The Power of Your Thoughts in Shaping Your Relationship

For years I’ve listened to spouses and partners talk about the pain and loneliness that they experience in their relationships. For some, it’s all the time; for others, it’s just sometimes. But all of them want relief. They want to love and be loved. They want their children to grow up in a happy home. And they miss the love that they used to give and get with their partner and want it back.

To the person, though, they’re not sure how to achieve this dream.

How to get from here to there?
What are the steps
What skills do I not have
What is possible?
Will it be difficult to learn? To do? To sustain
Am I still loved?

The way you think and talk to yourself about your relationship matters… deeply.

If you tell yourself that your relationship has become disconnected and you’re now like roommates, that you don’t really know your spouse any more, or that your spouse is deficient in some (or many) ways, then you will see your spouse that way. You will believe your thoughts and you’ll feel helpless to make the relationship happier.

If, on the other hand, you tell yourself that your relationship is less connected than you’d like, that you two could change things, and that maybe you could make some changes in how you think about your spouse, you could imagine a better future for the two of you. A future of more connection and more happiness.

These are CONVERSATIONS with yourself. This self-talk can also be called Mindsets–habits of thinking that have evolved over your lifetime. Sometimes we need to look carefully at our mindsets and shift the ones that set up our relationship for failure. Not on purpose. Just because some of our mindsets are not helpful for our relationship and, in fact, act as anti-happiness ideas.

Conversation Principles for a Great Relationship

The goal for conversations in a healthy, excellent relationship is to be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything.

Emotions, failures, successes, expectations, discontent, worries, spiritual concerns, political concerns. Anything.

Here’s what often happens instead. Due to the amount of requirements and complexities in our lives, you can easily fall into the trap of getting disconnected from your spouse, even though you didn’t mean to have that happen.

Couples have to manage children, aging parents, careers, illnesses, pets, issues with friends and much more. At the end of the day, you’re tired but there’s still more to do. In that situation, it can be difficult to find the time and energy to nurture your relationship. The result–gradual disconnection.

You may find that they only have transactional conversations, not conversations that foster their emotional connection.

Transactional conversations include: who is going to pick up the groceries, whose turn is it to pay the bills, who is going to drive the kids to their games. Also, surface conversations about how work is going. Or you talk in between scrolling on social media or during games on social media.

The feelings of disconnection and lack of romance in your relationship come from not having found the time to have real conversations that would lead you back to the emotional connection that you want.

There are some things to do to move forward towards the goal of talking with one another about anything and everything. To strengthen the emotional connection that’s missing, one conversation at a time.

Actions You Can Take Now To Start Reconnecting With Your Spouse

Rebuilding emotional connection doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Small, intentional steps can make a big difference. Here are a few practical ways to start reconnecting with your spouse today:

1) Start Meaningful Conversations

Make an effort to talk about topics that help you understand each other on a deeperlevel. If you’re unsure where to begin, use conversation prompts to guide you:

👉 [Click here to get a list of 100 Topics to Share Your Thoughts and Feelings]
👉 You can also find lists of meaningful questions on Pinterest or Google to spark deeper discussions.

2) Check in with Your Spouse Daily

Make it a habit to ask your spouse how they’re doing—not just in passing, but with genuine interest. Instead of jumping in to fix their problems, focus on validating their feelings and offering support. Sometimes, simply listeningis the most powerful way to show love.

3) Create a Morning Ritual of Connection

Start your day with a small but meaningful gesture that reinforces your bond. Some ideas include:
☕ Bringing them coffee each morning
🙏 Praying or meditating together
💛 Sharing one thing you’re grateful for each day

4) Treat Your Spouse Like a Cherished Friend

It’s easy to take each other for granted in the hustle of daily life. But just as you’d make an effort to support and uplift a close friend, do the same for your partner. Show kindness, patience, and appreciation in everyday moments.

If you’d like personalized guidance on reconnecting with your spouse, sign up for a free Discovery Call with me HERE. Together, we’ll find the best strategies to help strengthen your relationship.

With love,

Dr. Carol

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💌 P.S.

For more relationship information and advice, contact me: Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest, Instagram, or email me at carol@drcaroljhenry.com