Communication Challenges for Empty Nesters and How to Overcome Them

Suddenly the house is quiet.  

No kids are listening to loud music, no teenagers playing video games, no hungry boys eating everything they can get their hands on, and no kids competing loudly for bathroom time. 

No homework to be monitored, no driving teens around, or cars being borrowed.  No piles of dirty laundry that makes the house smell like a barn.  

Just two adults a bit shell-shocked with the quiet and the peace.  The change of energy in the home.  The lack of chaos and laughter.  The struggles and the sweet moments with the kids.

The Empty Nest has arrived.

Are you there yet?  Or is it coming soon?

If the answer to either of those is YES, there’s some couples’ work to get started.  And the best time is NOW.

As a couples mentor, teacher, and psychologist, I’ve worked with hundreds of Empty Nest couples over the decades, and the most common problems they bring to me are that they feel disconnected and their communication needs to change.

I’m going to focus on communication right now, because it’s a pathway to connection, besides being crucially important in itself.

But first, let’s dispel the ideas that many couples have, that they can’t change and that they should already know how to do things right.

You CAN “teach an old dog new tricks”.  For sure!  And I’ve seen people transform their relationships from “flatlined to fabulous” many, many times.  

The State of Your Communication 

At the beginning of changing and growing your communication, it’s important to assess where you’re starting from. 

It’s like when you’re planning to take a road trip.  As you begin to map your route, you first need to know where you’re starting from.  The GPS needs to know where you are right now.

So, ask yourself some of these questions which relate to your communication, as it is today.

What patterns of communication do you have right now?  

Since couples experiencing an empty nest have been together at least nearly two decades, patterns exist now. For example, you likely have had some painful arguments and maybe you have them frequently.  Maybe you have essentially the same argument again and again. 

Or maybe you avoid bringing up difficult topics even though those topics are very important to you.  

Or you talk together but you feel misunderstood or dismissed.

Or you each think you know what the other is going to say and stop listening.

Or one person does all the talking and the other doesn’t get time to say what is on their mind.

How well do each of you listen when the other is speaking?

Listening is just as important as speaking even though we often think about communication as speaking. 

Listening is a sign of respect, love, and acknowledgement that your partner is as important as you are.  

Do you listen carefully as your partner talks, seeking to understand? Sometimes, as people think about this idea, they realize that they aren’t trying to understand their partner.  Instead, they’re just waiting for their partner to stop talking so that they can voice their own opinion. Do you interrupt?

What do you communicate through body language?

Body language is a “silent” part of communication but it “screams” a message that might be different than what’s being spoken.

Do you roll your eyes?

What position is your body in–facing your partner, facing away from your partner–these communicate different messages.

Do you have eye contact?

Are you scowling, shaking your head, or nodding your head?

Pay attention to what you’re communicating with all of these body movements.

What habits of thinking are you aware of, as you’re listening?

Our “filters”, which are beliefs and mindsets about our partner, determine how we listen. 

For example, do you think of your partner as a “spender” and therefore dismiss their ideas about buying something?  Or do you think your partner is “cheap”?  

Over the years, you’ve established certain ideas about your partner and how much credibility you assign to their ideas.  Your listening is influenced by your beliefs and mindsets. It’s crucial that you become aware of these mindsets and decide if you need to shift any of them.

How You Want Your Communication to Be in This Next Chapter of Your Life Together

Now that you’ve completed an “ audit” of the current state of your communication you’re ready to figure out what changes you want to make in your communication so that you are happier, more peaceful and that you each feel heard and understood.

Strengths:  In creating the vision for your communication the first step is determining what strengths you have in communicating so that you can keep them to build upon.

Maybe you notice that you do tackle some tough topics.  Maybe you each are good at settling yourself when you get upset during a conversation and go back to the conversation when you’re more centered.

Things to Leave Behind:  Next, you figure out which things you want to leave behind.  

Maybe you noticed that you interrupt each other.  Or that you get angry and say unkind things to each other when you’re angry. Or you don’t talk about some important things due to fear that you’ll end up arguing.  Those you can leave behind. 

What New Skills and Strategies To Add to Your CommunicationToolbox:  Perhaps you want to learn better ways to manage angry emotions during conversations.

Or you want to learn the best way to conduct important and essential conversations.

Or how to discuss a disagreement without blaming or criticizing your partner.

Or you need new ways to listen better when your partner is talking and structure what you say so that you’re most likely to be understood.

Or how to be able to talk to your partner about anything and everything and feel understood, respected and loved at the end of each conversation. 

PLANNING and TAKING ACTION

Now it’s time to DO some things so that you two can actually achieve the goals you’ve set. You know what things you want to eliminate from your communication patterns.  You know what new skills and strategies you want to incorporate into your communication.  And you know that you’re capable of making changes.  

So, it’s time to figure out specifically What actions you’re going to take so that you will be sure that you will make the changes.

Here are some strategies to ensure your success.  They are research-based strategies that have been studied and found to be the most successful way to change patterns. 

Choose one specific goal.

Then break it down even further into the steps that you need to take to be sure you’ll reach that goal. 

Then choose Step One and do it for one week.

Do that step daily or multiple times per day (depending on the step).

Then do step two for a week, then 3, and so on.

For example: 

Goal:  Manage my anger better, during disagreements.

Step one:  Improve my awareness of when I’m getting a little angry by noticing my body reactions. Do this for one week.

Step two:  Each time I notice the beginning of anger, stop and do emotional regulation breathing (Inhale to count of 4, hold it, exhale to count of 8) 6 times or until I’m back to a centered calm feeling.

Step three:  Resume the conversation.

“Rinse and repeat” as needed during the conversation.

To summarize:

When you want to change patterns of communication that you’ve had for a long time, you can be successful by:

• Assessing where you’re starting from
• Envisioning where you want to go (goals)
• Planning Action steps to achieve your goals
• Taking those steps one by one.

It’s not enough to read about all of this.  It’s necessary, but not enough.  

For real change, it’s also important to plan your Action Steps and then Do them.

An obstacle that a lot of couples have is sustaining the motivation to keep moving forward. They start with enthusiasm and then lose the momentum to continue.  They run out of gas.  In fact, that phenomenon is characteristic in almost all people, when they don’t have support, guidance and help to keep up their momentum.  

It’s my life’s work to help couples live their best life, filled with love, peace, success and happiness.  

If you would like to explore the idea of working with me, to be that guide and coach to encourage, motivate and hold you accountable contact me.

Or you could book a free call with me here.

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