Every strong relationship requires effort, attention, and connection. However, life’s daily demands, responsibilities, and digital distractions can cause couples to drift apart without realizing it. If you have noticed emotional distance creeping in, now is the time to take action.
Being connected is a crucial part of any love relationship and when it is impaired the couple is at risk of more and more disconnect, loneliness, dissatisfaction and ultimately, either divorce or continuing misery.
Ignoring these warning signs is not the answer though many of us do ignore them until they get so big we can no longer ignore them.
As your children are getting older or if they’re on the way out of the “nest”, you probably have started noticing more problems in your relationship.
And, the good news is, you may have more time that you could devote to reversing these problems.
To make your relationship better, issues and concerns must be brought into the light of day and figured out together. So let’s buckle down and think about these three warning signs that some things need to change and practical steps to reignite your connection.
Warning Sign #1:
At home, you spend more time with your electronic devices than you do with your partner.
Is that true for you two? Our electronic devices “call” to us, constantly. There is often something juicy, novel or interesting coming up, announced by the distinctive beeps, that seems impossible to ignore. Even if we don’t rush to read or see the latest, we are now distracted.
Then there’s TV. That item alone can suck time as effectively as any other device. There are programs to watch, sports that take 3 or more hours to watch (I love sports; don’t get me wrong) reality TV about singing, dancing or just appealing and often appalling behavior.
Our computers, tablets and smartphones enable us to work at home rather than have “home” be our sanctuary from business concerns.
All of these electronics are wonderful innovations and make certain aspects of our lives much easier. However, with each innovation, there can be a huge price in time and attention.
Devices are just devices. How we use them is the potential problem.
We pay dearly in disconnection from our partners. Time spent on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and other platforms, looking at and reading about other people’s lives, interferes with us living our own lives truly together.
If you’re not careful to balance time with the competing attention-grabbers and time with your spouse, who is actually present, you can find yourself emotionally disconnected. And that is a slippery slope in a relationship.
Do you ever find yourself in bed looking at your tablet or phone rather than talking with your partner? Do you both do this?
“I’m just catching up on Facebook”, you might say to yourself or your partner.
Nothing wrong with that, except if that’s what you do instead of being present and talking to your loved one, who is right there with you.
Solution #1:
Here’s a solution to consider: For two evenings, intentionally notice how much time you spend on your devices and also how much time you spend talking with your loved one(s).
Write this somewhere so you remember. By the way, having a conversation while checking messages or social media counts as device time, not partner time.
How to Reconnect:
- Set Device-Free Zones: Designate specific areas like the dining table or bedroom as tech-free spaces to encourage conversation and presence.
- Schedule Screen-Free Time: Dedicate at least 30 minutes each evening to talk, play a game, or simply enjoy each other’s company without distractions.
- Be Present in the Moment: When your partner speaks, put down your device, maintain eye contact, and actively listen. Small moments of attention lead to deeper emotional intimacy.
Then, see if you feel more connected, updated, and closer to your partner. The change just might amaze you.
Warning Sign #2:
You don’t know what your partner worries about.
You avoid talking about sadness, frustration, anger, failure, worry,fear—any negative emotion.
Either one or both of you might be conflict-avoidant. Or, you may have had poor outcomes in the past when you brought up difficult issues so you avoid those conversations.
Or, one of you is exhausted and doesn’t want to discuss problems. And it’s wise not to talk about problems when you’re tired. However, it’s important to make time in the near future to talk about the problem.
Despite the reasons not to talk about problems, the outcome will likely be worse than you anticipate—disconnection that gets worse over time.
If you or your spouse are unable or unwilling to discuss difficult topics, it impacts how connected you can feel toward each other. If you can’t disclose the bad things, it feels like you’re alone in your worries.
This creates a significant disconnection between the partners and impairs the trust that you have in each other.
We need to be able to accept our partner’s problems if we want to be counted on and if we want to create an atmosphere of safety. It doesn’t feel safe if you can only discuss easy and positive topics, leaving the others to fester in the dark.
Together, set a certain time weekly that you will devote to talking about difficult things.
Solution #2:
Enter that time on the calendar with a beginning and an ending time.At first, the time should be 30 minutes. Stick to it—start on time and END on time—no marathon sessions!
When one of you introduces the subject, avoid blaming the other. Do talk about how you feel. The listener must LISTEN carefully. The point of this part of the conversation is to better understand your partner’s experience. Don’t solve the problem at this point. Just understand (not necessarily agree).
How to Reconnect:
- Create a Weekly Check-In: Set aside 30 minutes each week to discuss emotions, stressors, and relationship goals. Make it a priority on your calendar.
- Practice Active Listening: Instead of reacting defensively, focus on truly understanding your partner’s perspective. Reflect back on what they say to ensure clarity.
- Express Appreciation Daily: Make it a habit to share at least one thing you appreciate about your partner each day. Gratitude fosters closeness and emotional security.
You might be quite surprised to find that once you better understand your partner’s point of view you’re able to resolve the problem with much more ease than before.
Warning Sign #3:
You spend more time with friends than you spend with your partner.
When we first fall in love, we tend to spend nearly all of our time together. Our brains produce chemicals—oxytocin and dopamine, which drives us to want to spend that time together.
We seem to agree with whatever our partner says during that “honeymoon” time. All is well.
Then life happens. We have children. They take “all” of our time. We tend to lose sight of each other as a person we like to have fun times with and instead, see our spouse as a partner in the business of raising a family.
These two elements can create a desire to spend more time with friends than with your partner. Time with friends is beneficial, in moderation. It creates life balance.
Is that the right amount? Too little? Too much? For example, if you play soccer in an adult league and have beers after the game, you’re probably out two nights a week without your spouse.
It’s up to you two to decide what is the right amount of time with friends and with your partner.
Solution #3:
Together with your spouse/partner, talk about the amount of time that you each are comfortable with being away from each other.
If it’s different, then figure out a balance you’re both satisfied with (not perfectly satisfied but a good compromise).
It is important to not avoid talking about this. And be careful not to make the other person “wrong”. There is bound to be a compromise that you can both live with and that makes you both happy.
Importantly, you haven’t avoided a difficult conversation, and you listened to one another. That’s goodness!
How to Reconnect:
- Prioritize Date Nights: Set a weekly or biweekly date night to reconnect and focus solely on each other without distractions.
- Balance Social Time: Have an open conversation about how much time feels right for social activities versus quality time together. Compromise and set mutual expectations.
- Engage in Shared Hobbies: Find activities you both enjoy, such as hiking, cooking classes, or traveling, to create new and exciting experiences as a couple.
Rebuilding intimacy and connection does not require drastic changes but rather small, intentional efforts.
Commit to making your relationship a priority by being present, communicating openly, and dedicating time to nurture your bond.
Summary of ACTIONS to further avoid drifting apart and, instead, moving Toward Connection
Establish device-free time daily to improve in-person interactions.
Set aside time for meaningful conversations and active listening.
Maintain a healthy balance between social life and relationship time.
Plan regular date nights and find shared hobbies to enjoy together.
By recognizing these warning signs early and implementing positive changes, you can prevent emotional distance and strengthen your connection for years to come. Working together to enhance your relationship can be a wonderful renewal of your love and connection. Make sure that you take the ACTIONS that make it a time for positive transformation and joyful connection.
With love,
Dr. Carol
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P.S. It’s my life’s work to help couples live their best life, filled with love, peace, success and happiness.
If you would like to explore the idea of working with me, to be that guide and coach to encourage, motivate and hold you accountable, please schedule a free Discovery Call with me. We’ll talk about your goals and how we could address them together. You will definitely come away with valuable actions you can take right now to enhance your relationship, whether or not we decide to work together.
Or you could book a call with me here.
For more relationship information and advice, contact me: Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest, Instagram, or email me at carol@drcaroljhenry.com
