Over the last 30 years I’ve worked held between 70 to 100 sessions per month. That’s between 25,000 to 36,000 sessions with couples who were struggling to improve their relationship so that they could reach the relationship of their dreams.
During those sessions I’ve heard many, many stories about how people got into the situations that they found themselves in. From that data bank of sad, and sometimes disastrous situations, I created a long list of What Not to Do If You Want A Good Relationship.
I’m sharing these with you because I know we learn a lot from the “What-not-to-do’s” in our lives, as well as from the “What-to-dos”.
Here are 10 things NOT to do:
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Believe that your angry thoughts are “the truth”, and act accordingly.
For example, if you think (when you’re angry) that your partner is a “stupid idiot”, then you say that to them at the time (instead of realizing that you’re just angry and this idea will go away when you’re no longer feeling angry)
If you oversleep and miss an important early meeting you blame your partner for not waking you up.
You always want to spend too much money. Or, You always talk to your friends on the phone and don’t talk to me.
Talk to yourself about what is wrong with your partner, but don’t tell the
criticizing your partner’s methods of cleaning, their parenting, their cooking, their clothing choices, and so on.
When asked, “What’s wrong?” you say “Nothing” but you’re really upset about something that you’re reluctant to talk about.
Justify this to yourself by thinking that you have no time to connect because of the kids, laundry, work, or whatever, when really you are avoiding alone time, for some reason that you are scared to talk about.
And when you do this, you notice many flaws to concentrate on, real or imagined. And you can’t notice the good things that your partner does when you’re in the mindset that your partner is lacking many qualities.
I wouldn’t have yelled and cursed if you weren’t so frustrating!
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Refuse to seek outside help when your relationship is in crisis.
If a parent, friend or your partner suggests getting help from a relationship coach, you refuse, because of fear.
Or, you think you two should be able to figure it out without the help of a coach, but you haven’t yet been successful.
Or, you think no one can help you.
Or, that the outside person is maybe incompetent.
Let’s learn from this list
I have just scraped the surface of the kinds of self-justification people have for their behavior in their relationship.
I don’t assume that the partners that say these things are bad people. Instead, I believe that they are acting and thinking the way they have been taught, from parents, friends or other influences in their lives.
The people who hold the beliefs that I listed above are not yet able to take personal responsibility for their part of the relationship being in trouble.
Instead, they blame their partner. They think, “Someone is to blame, but it’s not me!”. Likely, because it feels threatening to think that they might share part of the responsibility.
It’s seldom actually true that only one partner is to blame. In loving relationships, both people are almost always part of the problem.
This is actually the good news, if you think about it a little differently.
If you acknowledge to yourself that you could have handled a situation differently, the awareness gives you the power to make a change and, in making that change, improving the relationship.
It’s actually a powerless stance to lay all of the blame the other person, because then you have to hope the other person changes their ways, and you’ll just sit there and watch.
There are things YOU can do to make changes, in your behavior and/or your thinking. And both you and your relationship will benefit greatly when you know what to do.
What are some of the things that might need changing in your relationship?
Mindset. This is your beliefs and attitudes. Your mindsets determine what you notice, how you think about people, experiences and everything else.
Thinking about what you’re thinking is the first step in exploring your mindsets.
Intentions When you decide on a goal and what actions you will take to achieve that goal, you have Set an Intention. Your intentions determine how your day will go. So, they are very important if you want to be in charge of yourself and your day and not just “see what happens”.
Communication When you learn and practice great communications skills and strategies that you can use when you have important conversations, you change the trajectory of your relationship. Communication is truly so foundational to a great relationship that you could say, “Without great communication, our relationship is at huge risk”.
If you’re interested please grab my freebie
Say This Instead you’ll learn [omit communication] tips and techniques so that you’ll know what to say to get your point across.
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